The Month of June

The month of June was historically about the beginning of summer for me.

It wasn’t like July that was right in mid summer with 4th of July at the beginning and the family parties and barbecues all throughout the month. It wasn’t like August that invoked the feeling of nostalgia and the tense excitement you get thinking about going back to school.

June was more like the warming of ocean water, water that was still freezing and temperature that had not fully transformed to 90 degrees and over. To me out of all the months in summer…June was the most plain, least exciting and didn’t really feel like summer.

But last summer, June became about you.

June became about those 7 days I spent with you…and as June comes around I find myself reliving last June over and over again.

The stupid excitement I had about seeing your face every morning. The laughter we shared when you were in the shower and I decided to take a peek.

The little arguments we had about the future pets we would have; Me advocating for a cat and you adamantly refusing…

The beautiful weekend we spent dancing to Jamaican jams and eating Indian food.

The shy intimate moments we shared that I conveniently forgot… June became about me and you.

No longer the plain beginning of summer, no longer about the cold ocean water; it was about the warm moments with me and you. June became a reminder of one of my favorites summers … where I achieved a love goal that was long overdue.

Where our compatibility was tested, our love was tried and by October?

It was clear June was a failure.

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Convenience Store

Somehow I always believed that I was of value to you.

That my convenience was a gift.

That no matter what you would always return to the simple, easy and accessible.

You see like a convenience store I rarely changed.

In fact I believed I was your favorite type of store. No matter how many other stores caught your attention or how many stores you went searching for?

You would always come back.

Because I was comfortable, I knew all of your favorite flavors, I took all of your excuses, and all of your bad choices.

I understood.

I thought my convenience was a value… it made me worthy in your eyes.

That in the end it would mean you were there for me when I needed you to be.

Because you were my favorite store, comfortable, and fit to encompass all of my needs. That we both understood the value of our convenience.

But I forgot that a convenient store no matter how useful, comfortable and accessible is not always worth a visit.

Is not always worth a promise or an apology…

Or even an ounce of respect.

A conviennent store is disposable because they will always be better stores, fancier, high quality and more complicated.

Stores that would ask you for more and which you would choose to give more.

Stores where you would invest less time but value above the countless hours you had spent with me.

Stores that you considered worthy… and above me and my convenience.

Well now I know my value as a convenient store was nothing more than my illusion of my importance to you.

Inspired by a close friend.

Ghost

It seems that even though I wish to escape you… you wish to haunt me.

Why do I see you when I go to sleep? Fantasize about a future that we both have decided will not happen?

Why do I see your laughter as I would catch you up on my life… see your facial expressions as I share my recent attempts to date so I can forget you.

Why is it when I ask myself.. when was the last time you had satisfying sex… you come to mind.

Our holiday, our hotel, our attempt, our intimacy and our laughter all come swimming back to mind as if it was yesterday.

As if yesterday we were in that Indian restaurant with the really good vegetables and the 3 drinks we had.

As if yesterday you were walking me down that alley… showing me where you last threw up and sharing stories about your time in your town without me.

As if yesterday we were perusing the market and dancing to the music at our Jamaican spot for lunch.

You haunt me… In my music, In my sleep and in my memories… Never letting me go.

You haunt me with the lack of your presence.

You haunt me with our memories, the ones only I have access to.

The pictures, the videos, the messages, the physical memories… I erased them or so I thought but yet…

You my unfulfilled love haunt me with dreams of the sex that could have been.

Dreams of the relationship that could have been.

Dreams of the future that could have been.

Dreams.. You haunt me with dreams of fantasies.

(This post was written on Jan 16th… since then I see less of your ghost around)
I also took the image in this post in Nairobi during my holiday.

Song Title: You

It seems odd, that every song I listen to has the subtitle : YOU.

The song can be about a storm on a summer’s day, and there you are in my storm.

The song can be about finding myself, searching for the key to my own happiness and there you are… Near the key.

The song can be simple lyrics revolving around the beach and finding peace away from the city… and there you are at my beach.

The song can be about moving on and on with my life yet there you are in my path reminding me of a past I long to make a future.

It seems odd that every song I listen to has YOU as the byline. Has YOU in the lyrics, Has YOU in the afterthought.

When will MY music stop being about YOU.

When will storms simply be storms, and the beach simply be a location.

When will my journey of self discovery be about ME and not about YOU.

When shall my music stop to haunt me with memories of You, when shall music simply become music; and no longer be about the love we once shared.

I wait for the day when the song title will change from YOU to ME.

Notes from Author: My favorite songs are hidden in these words and only YOU shall be able to find them.

Dear girl

Dear girl in moments of doubt remember that you are only accountable to you.

Dear girl in moments when people question who you are, where you are going, the choices you are making… remember you truly only live for you.

Dear girl in moments of crippling fear caused by the unknown, caused by the thought that you are not where you are supposed to be. Remember you choose where you are going and where you are.

Dear girl, in moments where the tears just keep falling and you feel like you are at your wits ends surrounded by your failures and unfinished accomplishments, remember that failure is not the end but is the road of progress and a chance at improvement. Remember that unfinished accomplishments can mean changed dreams and shifted gears but the lessons learnt during the shifts are the most important.

Dear girl when you are 23 and think that everyone in the world has their shit figured out while you lag behind…remember that comparison is a distraction and that you only compete with yourself.

Dear girl when you are working those two jobs, waiting and hoping for some semblance of stability and peace, longing for the grind to be over and finally achieve happiness. Remember that happiness can be found wherever you are in life, all you need to do is illuminate it.

Dear girl,boy,he,she,them,they wherever you are in life, remember that often times that place is only as permanent as you make it. That house that seems to be suffocating you, that job that is draining you, that relationship that is unfulfilling is only TEMPORARY.

*Disclosure- The quote is by one of my favorite authors who writes these beautiful profound statements that constantly bring me back whenever I am feeling like I have fallen off the edge. Secondly- Dear girl can be replaced for any pronoun or non-pronoun for any person.

I wonder

I wonder if you still fall asleep listening to music, If you still tie your hair back; put on that black silk band and cover your dreads for the night.

I wonder if you still sleep shirtless only with boxers on because your body heat is uncontrollable.

I wonder if you still place your laptop on your side desk next to your bed after you’ve completed grinding your nightly blunt.

Then, you carefully choose the right music, sit down on your bed and slowly light up Your blunt… inhaling to release all the tension you’ve felt after your day.

I wonder if you still grind your teeth in your sleep, barely shifting your body throughout the night but taking breathes so deep, noticeable to anyone sharing a bed with you.

I wonder if you ever go to sleep thinking of the last time I slept with you.

Thinking of my smell, thinking of my lips and my eyes. Thinking of how much you miss waking up next to me the way I miss waking up to you.

I wonder…about you and I wonder if you ever think of me.

 

*Picture belongs to me

Non- responsive love letters

At the beginning you wrote me love letters. 

Beautiful words, mixed with feelings and a hint of exaggeration.

Letters that would make me smile, cry and make my heart ache for you. 

I would make it my mission to respond to your letters. To make sure you knew that your beautiful exaggerated words touched my soul and made me feel loved. That was then… 

And now I write you letters.

Love letters explaining how deep my love is/was, letters discussing our past and my favorite moments. 

I write you goodbye love letters. Stating that yes we should let go and move on. 

I write sad words, mixed with feelings and every hint of heartache. 

But to each letter I get no response. 

I write non-responsive letters wishing that my words touched some semblance of your soul. 

Longing for you to respond with even a letter.