I started seeing someone, and in all the right ways he was right.
He was funny, handsome, had beautiful eyes and even better he had an understanding spirit.
He fell for me really quickly, and instead of beliving him I felt suspicious of his feelings.
I started to question who he really was, what he wanted, why he would want to be to be committed to me so quickly.
I started to interrogate his personality, his choices, his attraction, his care.
He was sweet, caring, patient and all he wanted from me was all I could give him.
Yet in my gut I could not trust him. Even though he was the first man in a long time to pay for my dinner I could not help questioning his motive.
I was numb to the atrraction of this man.
I was numb to the devotion he was showing me
I was numb to the simpleness he was showing me.
I had gotten used to complexity, so I did what I always do and I made things complicated.
I pushed him away, created barries, tests and put up a wall.
Tests that I knew he could not pass, barriers I knew he would never understand because they kept shifting.
Told him that he was not the man for me.
That he could not match my energy, could not match my spunk.
I essentially numbed myself so that the next time I felt anything for anyone?
It would be someone who treated me with less value.
It would be someone I have to chase for attention.
It would be someone who was a “challenge”
it would be someone who would not give me what I want so easily.
It would be someone who would not treat me as nicely.
It would be someone I would have to love more.
I become numb so I could feel less.
Because If I felt less than maybe I would not realize how the things I wanted from him…
Were the things I had from you.