Searching for the Language

I do not believe that the human language has all of the words that I can use to describe this experience.

I have been searching for the language that screams acceptance, that screams I loved this, that screams this scared the fuck out of me.

I have been searching for the words to reflect how in that moment I felt natural, I felt easy, I could breathe.

Taking off my clothes, taking off yours,kissing your neck and your breasts it all felt so natural.

Hearing you breathe and moan, gasping for air as I took you in my mouth it all felt easy.

Giving you pleasure while expecting none… I felt like I could breathe.

I have been searching for the language that emphasized the ease I felt with your body entwined with mine.

I have been searching for language to describe the fear that I felt the next morning when the high had worn off…

When I had to face my already spoken reality- I am queer I say with confidence; but somehow the language does not seem adequate.

I am queer I say but somehow saying it is different that being it, acting it, living it.

I am queer, but I am afraid of how queer….

I am searching for the language, because this experience freed me, forced me to look inwards and embrace a part of me that was dormant.

A part of me that was locked down by society’s expectations to remain within the expected norm.

To be a female that wanted a male

To be a woman that loved a man, wanted a man and could not envision being with a woman.

But once I awoke my dormant side I was searching for the language to find how being with a woman makes me feel whole.

A side that made me feel alive, fulfilled and giving.

I was searching for the language that described who I am, who I was, who I am going to be and where I will be going.

I have yet to find this language… because when your really look at our language?

You see how the design was never made to encompass me; the queer individual who is confused yet clear about her sexuality.

There was never accepting language for the type of relationship I envision my natural self having…

It was not created for us.

I had to realize that in being who I am… I am creating my own language instead of searching for one that did not exist.

3 comments

  1. iamjsleflore · January 20

    This is incredibly beautiful, honest and passionate on so many levels with self and the ideas of becoming. The language is always there, it seems the fight is really against the ideals forced upon us by societies norms and what is in actual reality. Thank you for this experience and writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lovethewineyourwith · January 20

      Thank you so much for this comment. This is legit what I was thinking as I wrote this. 😭 it makes me so happy to see this comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. GraceoftheSun · January 20

    ❤️

    Like

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