Searching for the Language

I do not believe that the human language has all of the words that I can use to describe this experience.

I have been searching for the language that screams acceptance, that screams I loved this, that screams this scared the fuck out of me.

I have been searching for the words to reflect how in that moment I felt natural, I felt easy, I could breathe.

Taking off my clothes, taking off yours,kissing your neck and your breasts it all felt so natural.

Hearing you breathe and moan, gasping for air as I took you in my mouth it all felt easy.

Giving you pleasure while expecting none… I felt like I could breathe.

I have been searching for the language that emphasized the ease I felt with your body entwined with mine.

I have been searching for language to describe the fear that I felt the next morning when the high had worn off…

When I had to face my already spoken reality- I am queer I say with confidence; but somehow the language does not seem adequate.

I am queer I say but somehow saying it is different that being it, acting it, living it.

I am queer, but I am afraid of how queer….

I am searching for the language, because this experience freed me, forced me to look inwards and embrace a part of me that was dormant.

A part of me that was locked down by society’s expectations to remain within the expected norm.

To be a female that wanted a male

To be a woman that loved a man, wanted a man and could not envision being with a woman.

But once I awoke my dormant side I was searching for the language to find how being with a woman makes me feel whole.

A side that made me feel alive, fulfilled and giving.

I was searching for the language that described who I am, who I was, who I am going to be and where I will be going.

I have yet to find this language… because when your really look at our language?

You see how the design was never made to encompass me; the queer individual who is confused yet clear about her sexuality.

There was never accepting language for the type of relationship I envision my natural self having…

It was not created for us.

I had to realize that in being who I am… I am creating my own language instead of searching for one that did not exist.

Women like me and Men like you.

Our meeting was something resembling a miracle to me.

How could I meet someone who I connected with so well in just one meeting?

Those weeks and weekends we spent talking, laughing, kissing ,connecting our souls; those were moments I will probably never forget.

But yet here we are… a relationship that was built too easily and destroyed just as easily.

At first we were sinking together in full euphoria, feeling our emotions in full blast without a pause button.

But then our feelings began to be tested more and more. I began to see clearly what I wanted and in turn see how you were confused about what you wanted.

I began to see how much more I wanted to be with you and how much more you did not want to make a decision.

You began to blame me for your own confusion. Letting me know that because of my non committal attitude, I was simply not ready for a relationship; as if you knew me well enough to know what I could or could not handle.

I was a fool then, taking your words as lessons thinking that you really knew me and that you were right. I didn’t know what I want. I was confused, how could I Sandra who had never been in a long term anything handle a real relationship?

I was really a fool believing that I could not do what I had not done before without trying it.

But no, I am no longer the fool.

I knew what I wanted you did not.

I wanted to be with you and only you.

I was sure you were enough for me and you knew I was not.

I was finally in a place where I thought that wow I may be able to commit to this person.

However you kept getting my hopes up only to bring them down. You constantly said things like you’re the only girl I want to fuck and then you would remind me that no it’s not only me you want to sleep with.

But more and more I believed in your sweet sultry convenient words forgetting the lessons I had taught myself when dealing with men like you.

Men like you have egos the size of mountains that enjoy terrorizing self confident, self assured women.

Men like you are afraid of feelings and can not be found dead admitting in their own words that they care about someone without hearing it first.

Men like you are prepared to make a woman feel crazy instead of grappling with your own imperfections and flaws.

Men like you use words as weapons and wield them to hurt while you use those same words as lies and wield them to manipulate.

Men like you lack the bravery to break a heart because you are afraid of hurting people, and dealing with consequences not knowing that silence and complacency lead to even more pain.

Men like you walk under the false pretense of honesty like it’s your shield not knowing that what you wear is honesty at your own convenience and not honesty that allows self reflection.

Men like you ignore the past thinking that the past does not impact the future never truly learning how to improve yourself, because you look into a mirror and see perfection. Never truly understanding the imperfections within yourself.

Men like you… need someone who loves and loves and loves regardless of pain because you will keep pushing, pushing and pushing them away.

Men like you are not for a woman like me. A woman who is too far into her emotional journey to deal with the tides of a man who is yet to discover how his actions are selfish or how his perceptions are narrow.

A woman who is self confident, self assured, reflective, apologetic when wrong, emotionally open, willing to discuss difficulties and who will not bow down to your mountain sized ego when you so wish.

A woman like me who decided long ago that pain and love are not synonymous in her definition of healthy.

A woman like me who will not chase after you endlessly hoping that one day you will turn back and see my worth.

A woman like me who has her own ego, pride the size of a mountain but is ready to put it aside in order to apologize, talk or be the bigger man.

A woman like me who has her own set of bullshit, insecurities, and needs knowing fully well she can be heavy without wanting to force her burden on to anyone else.

A woman like me who occasionally plays games as a way to test the men she’s with because they all say they can handle her until they can’t bring themselves to face the mountain of emotions that she contains.

A woman like me who knows that games and tests are childish but is working to understand why and how she simply craves reassurance using meager means.

A woman like me who was simply too much of a challenge for a man who was not ready for the woman he thought he could handle.

And finally a woman like me who wishes you well on your journey of growth, and hopes that one day you will be ready to be the bigger man and change your complacent habits into habits of growth, positivity and decisiveness.

*Picture taken by Margi a beautiful individual and friend. Her instagram page for more beautiful photos is photogoon420◦

Inner Dialogue

I can’t sleep. No matter how much I try I can’t sleep.

I keep thinking of this situation.

The one where I am slowly losing what makes me a solid person.

The one where I am losing my vulnerability.

I have let him in too much my heart says.

He’s too close my heart says.

He’s only there temporarily my mind reminds me.

He’s focused on someone else my heart tells me.

Distance yourself says my mind and heart.

Create that space between him and you before it’s too late.

Don’t let him in any closer.

But he met my friends I say

But he met my family I say

But we talk everyday I say

But he said that when I was ready we would be together.

But is it the truth my heart asks,

But will he give her up my heart asks,

But you know him better than that my mind says.

You know what you signed up for my mind says

You know what you signed us up for my heart says.

I feel anxious, I say.

Anxious because it feels like my control is slipping.

I can’t sleep because of the anxiety I feel after realizing that I was slowly letting you in.

When all along I was preparing for this current moment.

Moment where I saw your true nature and realized that once again I was exposed.

Left open,

Too open.

I was not careful I say

He was what you wanted my heart says.

You were not enough my mind says.

2017

2017 for me was quite the year of personal growth, learning how to be a bit more independent, letting go of toxic relationships and not apologizing for who I am.

I strove to find my voice as a writer, my art through pictures and my career through exploration.

And although 2017 did suck because the world went through such shit- fires, floods, hurricanes, hunger, wars, political turmoil, anything terrible you name it.

I was still proud of 2017 because of the women who stood up with their voices, because of the people that donated to disasters, because of the humane humans who showed the world that humanity still existed.

In my 2017:

  1. I learnt a lot about myself
  2. I went on my first summer vacation with just friends to Jamaica.
  3. I graduated college and was thrust into the all the crazy expectations of what having a degree meant.
  4. I let go of some toxic relationships.
  5. I spent a lot more time with myself, reflecting on how I affected the relationships I had with people.
  6. I listened to a wide genre of Music.
  7. I watched as many movies as I wanted to.
  8. I kept up with my yearly mason jar.
  9. My dad got better after the scare we had in January.
  10. I became way closer to my cousins who are my best friends.
  11. I let go of the people who decided I was not worth the time.
  12. I danced in public, alone, and in the shower; I simply danced unafraid.
  13. I went to the gym as regularly as I could.
  14. I opened myself up to meeting new people
  15. I embraced myself by cutting my hair.
  16. I challenged myself to be a bit more adventurous and daring.
  17. I started this poetry blog.
  18. I started taking pictures.
  19. I stopped apologizing for who I am.
  20. I apologized for the people I hurt and did wrong.
  21. I lost one relationship to gain an even deeper friendship.
  22. I grew.