Our meeting was something resembling a miracle to me.
How could I meet someone who I connected with so well in just one meeting?
Those weeks and weekends we spent talking, laughing, kissing ,connecting our souls; those were moments I will probably never forget.
But yet here we are… a relationship that was built too easily and destroyed just as easily.
At first we were sinking together in full euphoria, feeling our emotions in full blast without a pause button.
But then our feelings began to be tested more and more. I began to see clearly what I wanted and in turn see how you were confused about what you wanted.
I began to see how much more I wanted to be with you and how much more you did not want to make a decision.
You began to blame me for your own confusion. Letting me know that because of my non committal attitude, I was simply not ready for a relationship; as if you knew me well enough to know what I could or could not handle.
I was a fool then, taking your words as lessons thinking that you really knew me and that you were right. I didn’t know what I want. I was confused, how could I Sandra who had never been in a long term anything handle a real relationship?
I was really a fool believing that I could not do what I had not done before without trying it.
But no, I am no longer the fool.
I knew what I wanted you did not.
I wanted to be with you and only you.
I was sure you were enough for me and you knew I was not.
I was finally in a place where I thought that wow I may be able to commit to this person.
However you kept getting my hopes up only to bring them down. You constantly said things like you’re the only girl I want to fuck and then you would remind me that no it’s not only me you want to sleep with.
But more and more I believed in your sweet sultry convenient words forgetting the lessons I had taught myself when dealing with men like you.
Men like you have egos the size of mountains that enjoy terrorizing self confident, self assured women.
Men like you are afraid of feelings and can not be found dead admitting in their own words that they care about someone without hearing it first.
Men like you are prepared to make a woman feel crazy instead of grappling with your own imperfections and flaws.
Men like you use words as weapons and wield them to hurt while you use those same words as lies and wield them to manipulate.
Men like you lack the bravery to break a heart because you are afraid of hurting people, and dealing with consequences not knowing that silence and complacency lead to even more pain.
Men like you walk under the false pretense of honesty like it’s your shield not knowing that what you wear is honesty at your own convenience and not honesty that allows self reflection.
Men like you ignore the past thinking that the past does not impact the future never truly learning how to improve yourself, because you look into a mirror and see perfection. Never truly understanding the imperfections within yourself.
Men like you… need someone who loves and loves and loves regardless of pain because you will keep pushing, pushing and pushing them away.
Men like you are not for a woman like me. A woman who is too far into her emotional journey to deal with the tides of a man who is yet to discover how his actions are selfish or how his perceptions are narrow.
A woman who is self confident, self assured, reflective, apologetic when wrong, emotionally open, willing to discuss difficulties and who will not bow down to your mountain sized ego when you so wish.
A woman like me who decided long ago that pain and love are not synonymous in her definition of healthy.
A woman like me who will not chase after you endlessly hoping that one day you will turn back and see my worth.
A woman like me who has her own ego, pride the size of a mountain but is ready to put it aside in order to apologize, talk or be the bigger man.
A woman like me who has her own set of bullshit, insecurities, and needs knowing fully well she can be heavy without wanting to force her burden on to anyone else.
A woman like me who occasionally plays games as a way to test the men she’s with because they all say they can handle her until they can’t bring themselves to face the mountain of emotions that she contains.
A woman like me who knows that games and tests are childish but is working to understand why and how she simply craves reassurance using meager means.
A woman like me who was simply too much of a challenge for a man who was not ready for the woman he thought he could handle.
And finally a woman like me who wishes you well on your journey of growth, and hopes that one day you will be ready to be the bigger man and change your complacent habits into habits of growth, positivity and decisiveness.
*Picture taken by Margi a beautiful individual and friend. Her instagram page for more beautiful photos is photogoon420◦