I do not believe that the human language has all of the words that I can use to describe this experience.
I have been searching for the language that screams acceptance, that screams I loved this, that screams this scared the fuck out of me.
I have been searching for the words to reflect how in that moment I felt natural, I felt easy, I could breathe.
Taking off my clothes, taking off yours,kissing your neck and your breasts it all felt so natural.
Hearing you breathe and moan, gasping for air as I took you in my mouth it all felt easy.
Giving you pleasure while expecting none… I felt like I could breathe.
I have been searching for the language that emphasized the ease I felt with your body entwined with mine.
I have been searching for language to describe the fear that I felt the next morning when the high had worn off…
When I had to face my already spoken reality- I am queer I say with confidence; but somehow the language does not seem adequate.
I am queer I say but somehow saying it is different that being it, acting it, living it.
I am queer, but I am afraid of how queer….
I am searching for the language, because this experience freed me, forced me to look inwards and embrace a part of me that was dormant.
A part of me that was locked down by society’s expectations to remain within the expected norm.
To be a female that wanted a male
To be a woman that loved a man, wanted a man and could not envision being with a woman.
But once I awoke my dormant side I was searching for the language to find how being with a woman makes me feel whole.
A side that made me feel alive, fulfilled and giving.
I was searching for the language that described who I am, who I was, who I am going to be and where I will be going.
I have yet to find this language… because when your really look at our language?
You see how the design was never made to encompass me; the queer individual who is confused yet clear about her sexuality.
There was never accepting language for the type of relationship I envision my natural self having…
It was not created for us.
I had to realize that in being who I am… I am creating my own language instead of searching for one that did not exist.